This morning has been an absolute blast. I woke up five minutes before the time that I'm supposed to leave the house to head to work. I was so excited. Everything after I looked at the clock was an absolute whirlwind, and now I am having such an adrenaline rush. This is an art that not many people are fortunate enough to experience, so to keep you all from being too jealous of my adventure, I am going to share some steps to successfully waking up late on a work morning.
Step 1: Make sure the day previous to the morning of oversleeping was a super full day.
It works especially well if it was also a work day. That way, you would have woken up at dawn and worked for nine hours. BUT, don't stop the day there. Do something after work. Go out with friends, run a million errands, or spend the evening with your boyfriend like I did. Whatever you do, make sure you're not home before 11:00 PM.
Step 2: Don't even think about going to bed before 1:00 AM.
Sure, you may be tired when you walk in the door at 11:00, but that's only temporary. It's always best to go against your body, right? Find something else to do for a couple of hours. Watch some mindless TV, read a book, pay some bills, fold some laundry...anything that could have been put off until the next day. In my case, I was responding to comments on yesterday's article and drafting a blog post. Make sure to push yourself to do this until you just cannot keep your eyes open.
Step 3: "Forget" to set your alarm(s).
How are you supposed to experience the blessing of oversleeping if you have an annoying alarm set to wake you up at an appropriate hour? It's best to just let your body decide when it wants to wake up. This way, it's a complete surprise. It could be ten minutes before you're supposed to leave, or it could be an hour after you should have been at the office. Either way, you will get a chance to experience that great feeling of panic.
Step 4: Make sure to sleep in your makeup.
This way, most of those few valuable minutes you have to use when you wake up will be spent scrubbing mascara off of your face in the shower, even though you really don't have the time. If you're really lucky, it will still be smeared all over your overtired face when you jump out of the shower too. The best part is, sometimes flakes of mascara will get into your eyes overnight and cause them to be extremely bloodshot and irritated in the morning. It's a really good look.
Step 5: Wear something you just wore last week...wrinkles give you extra sass.
The most fun thing to do is grab a dress from the closet without looking. When it's on, you don't have time to change, so you get to accept the challenge of wearing it all day long. This gives you the incredible feeling of being sloppy and out of control, which women love.
Step 6: Do your makeup at redlights.
Everyone knows that women enjoy being pressed for time. What's more time pressing than rushing to finish foundation at a stop light? When that's complete, you use the next stop for powder, the next for eyeliner, and so on. Don't worry about all of those foundation lines and smeared mascara, it just adds extra oomph to your wrinkled wardrobe. And the little smudgy fingerprints you're leaving everywhere? Those are just a reminder of your fun-filled morning.
Step 7 (Optional): Don't take your allergy medication.
If you're lucky enough to have allergies like I do, casually let the thought to take your Zyrtec slip out of your mind. This way, on top of everything else, you can be sneezing and sniffling the whole way. The eye redness from your allergies will add to the redness from sleeping in mascara, making those gorgeous eyes so beautiful it's a little frightening.
There you have it, folks. Seven steps to experiencing the pure joy that comes from irresponsibility. Let me know how they work for you.