12.30.2013

Sick of Mediocrity

Whether we like it or not, 2013 is ending in just two short days. There is something about the end of a year that makes me more contemplative than usual. I have been in a mind set the past couple of days that is causing me to pick apart every little aspect of 2013. I have been thinking about all of the good, all of the bad, things I should have done, things I should have done differently...you name it, I've thought about it...in abundance.

2013 was a great year in a lot of ways, but it still wasn't what I would call a super successful year. Not much changed. I didn't work hard enough to achieve any major goals. I'm still stuck in the same job that I swore I would escape. I spent too much time being depressed. I could have been a better friend. I didn't spend enough quality time with my family. In the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking...I could have done better.

Then, I remember that I have a really bad habit of being too hard on myself. I have a tendency to focus on the negative so much, that the positive just completely disappears from my memory. So I have to remind myself...sure, all of that may have been less than satisfactory, but the good always outweighs the bad. Despite everything I just said, 2013 also brought me a brand new set of memories. I traveled. I wrote. I met new people and made new friends. I pressed through the beginning stages of this blog. I prayed. I changed the way that I talk to God. During this period of my life, I did okay. But, I didn't do my best.

For 2013 in particular, I feel like God waited until the last couple of months of the year to have me do most of my growing. He led me to make some decisions that I am still actively trying to figure out. I have no idea what lessons I am supposed to learn from them yet, but I am positive I will find out eventually...even if it's another year or two down the road from now.

I suppose that I can officially say that I feel like I'm going through my first life crisis. Okay, maybe not my first, but the first one that has felt this big and this important. Honestly, I am so tired of just beating around the bush and making excuses for this time in my life. I'm sick of telling people that I don't have my life figured out. I'm sick of trying to talk myself into liking a career just because it pays my bills. I'm sick of waking up every morning and accepting the fact that I am comfortable and change isn't necessary. I'm sick of "standing still" because I'm afraid of failure.

I'm sick of mediocrity.

Since I was a child, I have wanted nothing more than to make a difference in the world somehow. When I became a Christian at the age of 15, I knew that God had special plans for me. For a long time, I felt that inside of me...that willingness to do whatever and go wherever it took to make a difference in some way, shape, or form. In the past few years, I have slowly lost that drive. I became so focused on school, and paying bills, and being "successful," that the fire that was burning in me dwindled more and more every second. I stopped attempting to use my God-given talents to find my own path, and instead molded myself into someone that would go along the traditional road to the American dream.

And now, here I am...questioning myself every day because I know that I haven't even remotely been introduced to my life's calling, and I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from fighting the fire inside of me. I fight to keep it at a smolder, because for some reason I'm afraid of what will happen if I let it consume me. I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid that I will disappoint those that love me. I'm afraid that it's somehow too late to make my own path. I'm afraid that I will discover that I'm stuck in this place I'm in, and I won't be able to escape.

Here is my ultimate confession: I'm afraid to try, even though I desperately want to.

So, this is my first step for the new year. It's time to try. It's time to attempt to answer my call to living a life of outreach and serving others. A couple of potential opportunities have already been revealed to me, and through prayer and guidance, I know that 2014 is going to be the year that I find my purpose. I hope you are all okay with taking the journey with me.

Stephanie said...

LOVE this post. It's always scary to try things. I have a hard time with it, too. I am really hoping 2014 is a better year for me, as 2013 was not that great. But, really I am the one who can make 2014 great! So, that's what I'm going to do. :)

Chelsea Warner said...

You got this! God's plan for our lives doesn't just disappear. He is always patiently waiting for us to trust in Him and let him take the lead. Continually ask Him to show you His will and let His will be done in your life. I know that's it's SO hard to see the bigger picture sometimes, but remember that God is always working behind the scenes. Don't be afraid to take that first step! Even if you fall, He will always be there to help you get back up and keep going. I will be praying for you and I am always here if you need someone to talk to! I am so excited for this awesome journey that you are about to embark on! You got this, girl!! :)

Kelli @She Crab Soup said...

Oh gosh I was afraid to try for so many years! Afraid to quit a job I hated, afraid to move to the beach, afraid to do anything that would upset the balance of my miserable life. In 2013 I changed all that, I didn't set out too it just happened.

Here is my advice to you: You only have one life to live, one short life to make the most of. So do what you want, take risks, grab onto opportunities, do what makes you happy! No more excuses or you will find yourself at 80 years old wondering where life went and how you missed your shot.

Yes you might fail but in failure there are lessons to be learned, failure does not mean death it just means trying again until you get it right!

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

i love this post, M. so raw and honest.

and now that i'm an old woman of 38yrs old, let me say that TRY is what we all need to do. i have learned that **life is going to go on whether we succeed or fail at anything in life** and isn't it better to know that you tried your hardest at something instead of being afraid of it and not knowing or let the opportunity pass you by?

so don't be afraid of failing! do your best and forget the rest!!

-kathy
Vodka and Soda

Pleas(e) and Carrots said...

I love how honest you are in your posts. You are an amazing writer!! I truly cannot wait to see what is in store for you in the new year, because I know you will be great in anything you do! Love you!

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