And lately, I have been broken more than usual.
No, this post is not an attempt to be dramatic, or whine. It's an attempt to be honest, and release some feelings that I have been harboring for entirely too long.
We are all broken. Us, as human beings...we are nowhere near perfect, and we are never going to be. Brokenness is a result of lack of perfection. What I'm realizing though, is the inability to be perfect isn't the root of our disappointment...the fact that we feel that we should be perfect is the real source of the problem.
Over the past couple of months, I have been struggling through a break-up. At the beginning of this recently ended relationship, everything was pretty close to that "perfect" that we strive for. Him and I had high hopes for where we were going, and things got really serious...leading to talks of the future and "forever." Then, somewhere along the way, things began to change. We argued more. We disagreed more. We sometimes had a hard time finding things to talk about. It became increasingly more difficult to strengthen as a couple, because we were both so invested in the things that were taking place in our individual lives.
A couple of months after our one-year anniversary, we decided to "take a break." I know, this can be such a wishy-washy term, but in context, we decided to do exactly what it meant. We decided to invest less time in each other, and even casually date others if we felt the need. When we first had the conversation, we both agreed that we thought we would get back together. That was something that we attempted to make clear, and for a while that idea was enough to make the process easier.
Here is the part of the story that is not so easy for me to admit...
I'm the one who changed.
He was the one who initially suggested taking the break, but it was me who began to have second thoughts about our relationship in the long run.
I'm the one who began having serious doubts. I'm the one who began to feel unsure of whether or not I was ready to get back together. I'm the one who heard God's voice telling me that I wasn't ready to jump back in.
In the end, it was all me. And I still can't even tell you how or why I began to feel that way. It wasn't because I didn't love him, because I did. It wasn't because he treated me badly, because he didn't. It wasn't because something was horrifically wrong, because it wasn't. The only thing I can even remotely attempt to understand as far as "why" goes, is the fact that God simply has a different plan for me as far as relationships go. I was being told not to go back, not just for my sake, but for the sake of both of our lives in the long run.
I can describe the entire process in a few short words: It was heartbreakingly difficult. It has been, it still is, and it probably will be for a good while. I just went through a breakup a couple of years ago. I wasn't expecting to go through another one this soon, or maybe even ever. But, I suppose that is just proof that life can't be planned out, and as I mentioned earlier...I'm not perfect.
I feel like I've lost a best friend. I feel like I don't deserve to be trusted. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel like a disappointment. And frankly...it sucks. I hate that phrase, but it's the one that always comes to mind.
However, despite all of those negative feeling towards myself, I can still see the light. I know that the positive results of this will surface eventually. Probably not anytime soon, but definitely one day. For now, all I can do is pray and hope for the best.