The One Who Changed

I'm broken.

And lately, I have been broken more than usual.

No, this post is not an attempt to be dramatic, or whine. It's an attempt to be honest, and release some feelings that I have been harboring for entirely too long.

We are all broken. Us, as human beings...we are nowhere near perfect, and we are never going to be. Brokenness is a result of lack of perfection. What I'm realizing though, is the inability to be perfect isn't the root of our disappointment...the fact that we feel that we should be perfect is the real source of the problem.

Over the past couple of months, I have been struggling through a break-up. At the beginning of this recently ended relationship, everything was pretty close to that "perfect" that we strive for. Him and I had high hopes for where we were going, and things got really serious...leading to talks of the future and "forever." Then, somewhere along the way, things began to change. We argued more. We disagreed more. We sometimes had a hard time finding things to talk about. It became increasingly more difficult to strengthen as a couple, because we were both so invested in the things that were taking place in our individual lives.

A couple of months after our one-year anniversary, we decided to "take a break." I know, this can be such a wishy-washy term, but in context, we decided to do exactly what it meant. We decided to invest less time in each other, and even casually date others if we felt the need. When we first had the conversation, we both agreed that we thought we would get back together. That was something that we attempted to make clear, and for a while that idea was enough to make the process easier.

Here is the part of the story that is not so easy for me to admit...

I'm the one who changed.

He was the one who initially suggested taking the break, but it was me who began to have second thoughts about our relationship in the long run.

I'm the one who began having serious doubts. I'm the one who began to feel unsure of whether or not I was ready to get back together. I'm the one who heard God's voice telling me that I wasn't ready to jump back in.

In the end, it was all me. And I still can't even tell you how or why I began to feel that way. It wasn't because I didn't love him, because I did. It wasn't because he treated me badly, because he didn't. It wasn't because something was horrifically wrong, because it wasn't. The only thing I can even remotely attempt to understand as far as "why" goes, is the fact that God simply has a different plan for me as far as relationships go. I was being told not to go back, not just for my sake, but for the sake of both of our lives in the long run.

I can describe the entire process in a few short words: It was heartbreakingly difficult. It has been, it still is, and it probably will be for a good while. I just went through a breakup a couple of years ago. I wasn't expecting to go through another one this soon, or maybe even ever. But, I suppose that is just proof that life can't be planned out, and as I mentioned earlier...I'm not perfect.

I feel like I've lost a best friend. I feel like I don't deserve to be trusted. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel like a disappointment. And frankly...it sucks. I hate that phrase, but it's the one that always comes to mind.

However, despite all of those negative feeling towards myself, I can still see the light. I know that the positive results of this will surface eventually. Probably not anytime soon, but definitely one day. For now, all I can do is pray and hope for the best.

13 comments

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

that's the weird thing - sometimes a relationship can be good yet be missing 'something'. sometimes you just grow apart and there's nothing wrong with that - nothing that neither party did...that's just life. as you grow and evolve, we hope that our relationship and significant others grow with us and sometimes they don't...and that's ok. it's no one's fault.

the good thing is that you realized it instead of sticking with it. far too many people just 'go with it' and get lost along the way. follow your heart and if that means going down a path without him, so be it. that doesn't mean you'll never meet again, it just means it's not right now.

-kathy | Vodka and Soda

Nadine Lynn said...

I have been where you are. I broke up with someone because I just had a feeling that it wasn't right. There was something missing and I didn't want to waste any more of my time or his. I felt so bad because he was a really sweet guy and there was no real reason I could come up with as to why we couldn't work out long term...I just felt it in my heart. When I broke up with him he was really sad. Told me that he was planning on purposing one day and he would really miss me. I felt horrible and then had feelings of loneliness and regret afterwards.

The thing is. You dont stay in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship or not hurting someone. You stay in a relationship because you love that person and cant imagine life with out them. It isn't fair to either party if someone is in it and feeling like it isn't 100% right. The sooner a relationship like that is ended, the better for everyone. If not, it leads to even bigger heartbreak later down the road.

You are such an amazing person and I know the right relationship will find you!

Jess said...

Hugs.

People change. Especially when they are in their 20s. And, a lot of times, two people who were once good together, just aren't.

There doesn't have to be "a reason".... Reasons may be easier to understand, but there doesn't have to be one.

Realizing that you changed and you needed to officially end the relationship was a brave thing. It may hurt now (for both of you), but you will both be better off in the long run.

Hugs.

Elizabeth at Southern Finesse said...

This is tough. Internet hugs to you!

There's nothing wrong with growing apart from someone. It's natural really. Don't put yourself down. One day you'll find the one that will make you realize why the other's didn't work out. :)

Kelli @She Crab Soup said...

First of all, I love you!

Second of all. I think it's wonderful that you were and are strong enough to walk away, some people would stay just because it was comfortable and not horrible. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do what felt right.

Kelly @ [Big Apple, Little Bites] said...

Oh my goodness. I'm just so sorry you feel selfish or guilty at all! You are so sweet. You have to do what is right for you and what you see as God's path for you. You are allowed to put yourself first sometimes (more than sometimes). I'm so glad you had the strength to let go. I hope you are feeling better every day. After my break ups, time has always helped and I know, with time, you will feel better too. And I'm sure you will look back and remember how strong you were and what a wonderful place you have come to. Thinking of you!

A Life Less Traveled said...

Hugs girl. I almost think the break ups where neither party did anything horrible are the worst. I had one like that with the boyfriend before my husband and it hurt so deeply. It is never easy to be the one to have to say this isn't working. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Pleas(e) and Carrots said...

You shouldn't feel guilty, and most importantly, you are the complete opposite of selfish! If you don't feel right in a relationship, it is not the right relationship and prolonging it would have made it worse in the long run. I am so sorry you are going through this, but with everything you said it really sounds like you made the right decision. If you need to talk I'm always here, love you!!

Sam @ From East To West Coast said...

Miranda I wish I could hug you through the computer screen right now! I know how hard it is letting someone go but it will get better and you will be so much stronger in the end. When you meet the one God intends for you to be with, you'll know! This heartache is only the beginning of something even more meaningful.

Thirty Something Girl said...

I know how it feels to split from someone you Love Miranda. I didn't think I'd get completely over my first ever love but when I met Kevin I knew he was the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When the right "One" comes along, you will just know that you want to be with him forever. Keep smiling honey because you have a lovely smile. xx

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

I'll never forget what an Aunt told me when I went through one of my absolute worst break-ups. Sometimes, it's not anything either of you did. You just don't float each other's boat. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you. It does mean there's something better out there for both of you. :)

Aunie said...

Miranda, I'm not sure if Bible reading is your thing, but Romans 8 is sooooooooo good, especially the NLT version. It talks about why we go through struggles & how we overcome them. It's perfect for this. I just read it this morning and it was so helpful for what I'm going through too!

Aunie said...
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