I have recently realized something about myself, and it's not a realization that is easy to admit. But, I'm going to talk about it anyway because I believe in freely sharing my heart here in this space. I also believe in speaking freely about my faith, even through the trials.
I love God. I have no doubt that His grace has saved me and set me free. I feel His presence on a daily basis, and since I have been a believer I have never questioned His existence. I have witnessed outcomes and scenarios that cannot be explained by anything other than answered prayers. I know His love for me runs deep. I know that He is my father.
Yet...I have a really hard time trusting Him.
It is difficult for me to type those words. Especially here. Especially now. I sit here in my bed on a Sunday morning, writing this post while I watch the clock to make sure I'm not going to be late for church. I write that sentence knowing that it is going to be published on a space in which I speak openly about my faith. I worry that my fellow Christians who read my thoughts here will be question me. I worry that any non-believers who read those words will take them as validation that redemption and faith just don't exist.
But, I'm confessing it anyway, because the fact that I personally have a hard time trusting God doesn't mean that God isn't trustworthy. Because He is. He is the most trustworthy source imaginable.
The truth is, there is no reason that I should have this problem. He always brings me through, even in situations that I feel are hopeless. He has never left me in the cold. I doubt His ability to help me, and He helps me anyway. That is what I call love...true love. Each time this happens I say, "Okay Miranda...this trust issue has got to stop. You were just handed your millionth example of proof of His faithfulness."
Then another hardship will arise, and I'm still not looking up.
I'm looking at myself...straight in the face, trying to figure out how I can fix the problem, because God just doesn't need to handle this one. I won't relinquish my control, because I believe that the outcome will somehow be more favorable if I handle it on my own. And you know what? That idea is a blatant lie, because not only is God more than capable of helping me...He WANTS to help me.
Instead of looking in the mirror and asking myself, "How do we fix this?" I need to ask myself, "What can you do to realize that you need to trust God to fix this?"
This is something that I want. It's something that I know I was able to do at one point. It was lost along the way, to the lie that I can do it better. Now that I have realized the issue, I will be fighting every day to fix it...to fully believe. In the end, I want to be looking up.
This post is being linked up for Doubt and Devotion, an amazing new concept created by some inspiring bloggers. I have been silently reading The Florkens and Mr. Thomas and Me for a couple of months now, and when they created this opportunity to discuss faith and belief regardless of religious affiliation, I knew I wanted to join in. The concept is perfect, and I'm excited to link up every weekend!