Sleeping well hasn't been a thing for me lately.
I had the opportunity to sleep until 9:30 on Sunday morning, but I was awake by 7:00. As soon as my eyes flutter open, I always try to close them and go back to sleep. However, it's usually too late because my brain has already switched on.
I think entirely too much...about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. My entire life, I have been the person who over-analyzes even the simplest situations, and drives myself crazy over the complex ones. As a result of this, I am also the type of person who "feels" too much. My emotions get the best of me extremely easily. So when something stressful or upsetting is going on in my life, I'm in a constant state of perpetual sadness, and it becomes overwhelming. The only time that my feelings seems to cease to nag at me is the few hours that I manage to sleep.
I'm really sad lately...about a lot of things. Some things are big, some are small. Some are major, some are insignificant. Some can be explained, and some I couldn't talk about if I wanted to. Life has a way of throwing situations and scenarios at you that you cannot even begin to understand. When these problems stick around for a while, and nothing seems to be changing despite action or prayer, everything just becomes even more difficult.
I just really wish that certain things were different. And I hope and pray for them to be every single day.
When nothing changes, I begin to deal with problems in the only other way that I know how...I cry. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a crier. It's a representation of emotion that I have always been comfortable with, regardless of if the emotion is happy or sad. Lately, that emotion has just been sad. I'm beginning to feel like it's getting out of control. I feel like I can no longer decide when I'm going to cry over something or not. I hear a certain song on the radio, and I cry. I hear a certain word, or see a certain thing on TV or in a movie, and I cry. A thought or memory will come barreling into my mind, and I cry.
I'm tired of crying, but I just can't seem to stop. I wont' say I can't find happy, because I do find it for a while on most days. I am just so tired of this giant bucket of depression that is hanging over my head, teetering back and forth and waiting to dump onto me at any second that I seem vulnerable enough.
Over the past couple of weeks, I feel like I have been doing a lot of apologizing to God for my sadness. But in all honesty, I really don't think there is reason to feel guilty about it. I have been turning my worries and concerns over to Him, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel their weight anymore. Tears were given to us in order to show emotion, and when I'm crying, I always get the feeling that God is wiping each one from my cheek. He is silently reminding me that this too shall pass, even though it feels like it never will.
So I'm not going to fight the urge to cry, even though I feel it may come too often. Sadness wears and sadness tears, but it also makes a lot of things clear. It shows you feelings that you never knew could be so strong. When you cry for something, it's only because you have been lucky enough to experience passion for whatever it is or was.
A lot of people aren't capable of having true passion for anything, so I believe that even if sadness is the end result of that passion...it's still worth it.