3.30.2014

Sadness, in Relation to Passion


Sleeping well hasn't been a thing for me lately. 

I had the opportunity to sleep until 9:30 on Sunday morning, but I was awake by 7:00. As soon as my eyes flutter open, I always try to close them and go back to sleep. However, it's usually too late because my brain has already switched on. 

I think entirely too much...about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. My entire life, I have been the person who over-analyzes even the simplest situations, and drives myself crazy over the complex ones. As a result of this, I am also the type of person who "feels" too much. My emotions get the best of me extremely easily. So when something stressful or upsetting is going on in my life, I'm in a constant state of perpetual sadness, and it becomes overwhelming. The only time that my feelings seems to cease to nag at me is the few hours that I manage to sleep. 

I'm really sad lately...about a lot of things. Some things are big, some are small. Some are major, some are insignificant. Some can be explained, and some I couldn't talk about if I wanted to. Life has a way of throwing situations and scenarios at you that you cannot even begin to understand. When these problems stick around for a while, and nothing seems to be changing despite action or prayer, everything just becomes even more difficult. 

I just really wish that certain things were different. And I hope and pray for them to be every single day.

When nothing changes, I begin to deal with problems in the only other way that I know how...I cry. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a crier. It's a representation of emotion that I have always been comfortable with, regardless of if the emotion is happy or sad. Lately, that emotion has just been sad. I'm beginning to feel like it's getting out of control. I feel like I can no longer decide when I'm going to cry over something or not. I hear a certain song on the radio, and I cry. I hear a certain word, or see a certain thing on TV or in a movie, and I cry. A thought or memory will come barreling into my mind, and I cry. 

I'm tired of crying, but I just can't seem to stop. I wont' say I can't find happy, because I do find it for a while on most days. I am just so tired of this giant bucket of depression that is hanging over my head, teetering back and forth and waiting to dump onto me at any second that I seem vulnerable enough. 

Over the past couple of weeks, I feel like I have been doing a lot of apologizing to God for my sadness. But in all honesty, I really don't think there is reason to feel guilty about it. I have been turning my worries and concerns over to Him, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel their weight anymore. Tears were given to us in order to show emotion, and when I'm crying, I always get the feeling that God is wiping each one from my cheek. He is silently reminding me that this too shall pass, even though it feels like it never will. 

So I'm not going to fight the urge to cry, even though I feel it may come too often. Sadness wears and sadness tears, but it also makes a lot of things clear. It shows you feelings that you never knew could be so strong. When you cry for something, it's only because you have been lucky enough to experience passion for whatever it is or was. 

A lot of people aren't capable of having true passion for anything, so I believe that even if sadness is the end result of that passion...it's still worth it. 

Ashley said...

This definitely reminds me of my early 20's and just the type of person I am in general. I am a crier and a feeler and sometimes you can't shut those things off. Sometimes I feel like I'm TOO much, TOO emotional, TOO sensitive, but I'm reminded that God doesn't make us to be TOO much. He makes us to be just right.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I can relate to this post so much. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Pleas(e) and Carrots said...

Oh Miranda this is why we are twins, seriously. I can relate to almost every single thing you've said in this post, because I have been exactly the same way for the past 6 months or so. I cry at least daily, and it's actually more like sobbing. I feel I have seriously messed up in some areas in my life and I cannot stop dwelling on them. It's so easy for people like us to overthink every little thing, and every big thing too. I have always been emotional as well, crying at TV shows and books and at the drop of a hat, which is hard, especially in my profession where I need to be tough and put on a strong front and stern face. I am always here if you need to talk, I am only a text, email, or phone call away. Seriously, take me up on it, I am here for you. I love you!

Kelli @She Crab Soup said...

I think we all go through times of great sadness and darkness in our lives. Hopefully we learn lessons about ourselves during that time that help us to become better people in the future.

I think it's totally natural to cry, I cry over songs, commercials, books, the news, etc. The world is a sad place and it hurts my heart but once the crying is over I try to find something to laugh about too. I like to balance my crying with a little laughter so the cries don't get the better of me.

Kiki said...

I'm going to just raise my hand in agreement. I am a crier, too, my friend! I honestly cry at the most ridiculous of things, from when people talk one-on-one with me and praise me, when people criticize, me, when sappy love movies play, and when my favorite TV characters break up. Yep, I'm a crier. :) All that aside, these words got me and they got me good:

Tears were given to us in order to show emotion, and when I'm crying, I always get the feeling that God is wiping each one from my cheek. He is silently reminding me that this too shall pass, even though it feels like it never will.

YES. YES. YES. So very much wisdom in these sentences. Praying for you! :)

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