"All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all"
-Beautiful Things by Gungor
Over the past couple of days, these lyrics have been running through my head nonstop. They so accurately describe how I have been feeling lately. For, while I manage to occupy my mind and remain happy a good portion of the time, there are still so many hours that I spend asking myself...am I ever going to find my way?
My anxiety has a chokehold on my life, and despite my attempts, I can't seem to loosen its grip. Anxiety has been controlling me for as long as I can remember, and it is exhausting. Feelings of happiness and moments of being care-free are becoming rare, and even when those moments do come, they are cut short by the entrance of another round of worries. I'm having a really difficult time handling even the simplest of every day issues. I'm on edge all the time, and the tiniest problem can make my heart race to the point that I can hear it beating in my ears.
I just want to know what it feels like to be able to handle worry in a rational way. There are so many times during the day that I have to fight back panic, push away the urge to pull out my hair, and seclude myself to take deep breaths and verbally tell myself to calm down. There is a 30 pound weight of anxiety on my shoulders at all times. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way.
During the past few months, I have been in this mindset that change is the only way to alter the way that I'm feeling about life; the only way that I'm finally going to feel like I am accomplished enough. What I didn't think about though, is how the failure to accomplish change would make me feel. The majority of my attempts to make changes have fell through, and with each failed attempt, I get beat deeper and deeper into my anxiety-filled hole. Depression is the only way that I know how to handle negativity, and saying that makes me angry with myself, because I have always believed that my faith is stronger than that.
And you know what? My faith really is stronger than that. Because, despite everything I just said, I do believe that all that is lost will be found...just like it says in those lyrics up there. I have no doubt about it.

~*Night Owl*~ said...

I am so glad I read this post. I just happen to open up blogger and your post was the first one in the dashboard. I opened it up and read it word for word out loud.

I'm not sure i struggle with anxiety and I'm sure if I did I would honestly know. I have had a few anxiety attacks over the past 9 years. And they aren't fun at all.

What ever that makes you have them just tell yourself that you will get thru it. God is there for you. You can lean on him and trust him and have faith in him. I have a strong faith in God but at times its like I'm questioning things.

Blogging helps too and if that's what you got to do then you should. Venting helps and just talking to people. I know you dont know me wel but i'm here as a friend who won't judge you. I will just listen. I'm a great listening. and this really helped me to see things clearly into what's going on in my life. So for this I say Thanks. This touched me and you have no idea just how much Miranda.


Elizabeth at Southern Finesse said...

I can't even begin to sympathize with you. I have been craving change as the answer to every last problem I have right now. But I didn't think about how the failure to make immediate change would affect me either. It is like a huge weight that drags you down. It makes it hard to be present in involved in your life now when you know you want to be doing something else. We're going to make it through this!!

Kelli @She Crab Soup said...

Change will come when you don't want or expect it is what I have found. Then you'll be wishing it away. :0

I've found that going with the flow of my life as much as possible is what makes me happy. Worry doesn't change anything but my attitude and usually not in a good way.

You'll get through this little rough spot, life is made up of them and usually looking back we needed them in order to learn some great life lesson.


Pleas(e) and Carrots said...

This is another reason why we are twins. Anxiety sucks! I am looking forward to meeting you soon!

~*Night Owl*~ said...

This picture makes me jealous. It hasn't been that pretty here in at least 2 weeks. Praying for pretty weather. Just as long as it's not too hot

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