Anxiety is an "It"

I tried something different today.

I have been having a lot of random thoughts and statements popping into my mind...thoughts and statements about tough stuff. I had a couple of them saved in a draft, and I was finally hit with an idea on what to do with them. Therefore, I have used them to write something that portrays anxiety as a "physical" thing.

I feel like it's a little bit darker than something that I would normally share here. However, I hope that it will still mean something to people in a positive way. It isn't a "cheerful" post...but I still believe that many of you can relate.

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It's never late to arrive.

It's always there, first thing in the morning. Your alarm goes off. Your eyes flutter open, and you can already feel the burden of It...the weight of It. It may as well be sitting on your chest.

It pokes and prods the corners of your mind. Instead of saying "good morning," It says "don't count on a happy day." It reaches into your thoughts, pulling all of the things you don't want to think about to the "obsession" portal of your brain.

The mistakes you have made.
The sadness that you feel.
The fears that control you.
The face of someone you're trying to forget.
The worry that consumes you.

It brings them all into blinding light, and try as you may, you just can't focus on anything else.

It gets pleasure out of watching you struggle to get out of bed and face the day. It makes you believe that it's normal to have a lack of hope. It smiles as you begin to believe the lie that things are never going to change for the better.

It follows you all day, constantly stepping on your heels so that you can't possibly forget that It's there.

"Wow, you just screwed something else up. Good job."
"Hm...that will definitely get you in trouble later."
"That was the dumbest thing you could have done."
"It's only a matter of time before everyone realizes that you're nothing special."
"Just think...you're going to be in this same spot 30 years from now too."

Its insults are all that you can hear. They ring in your ears. You replace the negative thoughts with a positive one...which works for a few minutes. Then, It is back...and twice as strong. It forces you to have your daily break down, leaving you emotionally exhausted.

It returns home with you. It sits in the corner, smirking as It watches you sit and stare at the wall. Its pride grows with every tear that unwillingly slides down your cheek. It pats itself on the back...congratulating itself for another successful day.

It watches you toss and turn as you try to sleep. The one moment of the day that It hates is the one where It watches your face relax as you finally drift off to sleep. It knows that you have forgotten everything that It has worked so hard to engrain in your mind. Sleep is your favorite part of the day for this reason. It's a chance to escape, and each night when you're drifting off, you pray that maybe It will be gone when awake. But, that never happens.

Because...It's never late to arrive.

1 comment

Pleas(e) and Carrots said...

Oh girl this is beautiful, sad, and a perfect description of anxiety all at the same time.