What am I doing?
Last night, I did a lot of reflecting on this past year; my 24th year of life. I've noticed that something that people seem to enjoy doing is choosing a word or a theme that sums up their year or their experience. As I was thinking about the past twelve months of my life though, I couldn't sum it up in a word...but rather a question; the question that is right up there at the beginning of this post.
What am I doing?
I feel like I have asked myself, and still ask myself that multiple times a day. It's funny how you can expect one thing from a new year, and get something that is completely different. That's what happened with me and age 24. On my 24th birthday, I expected it to be the year that I would bring things to light...find some answers to unknown things. Instead, at only two days away from turning 25, most things are in more of a grey area than ever before. Even things that I thought I had answers to a year ago are now a complete mystery.
Relationship, job, money, dreams, hopes, goals...I still have no idea what direction these things are going in.
Something else that people seem to enjoy doing is making lists of all of their goals. You know what I'm talking about..."25 before 25" and "30 before 30" and "bucket" lists. While I'm all for having dreams, and putting them on paper in order to visualize your ambition, I also think that these types of lists make you feel bad when you don't accomplish things or find solutions to things that you are trying to figure out. I personally have never actually sat down and wrote out one of these types of lists, but I still have one stored in my mind. And now that I'm almost 25, and I'm still single, and I still haven't finished writing a book, and I still haven't been fortunate enough to find my "calling," all I can see is this giant scroll of a list that has a million bullet points that are not scratched off.
Therefore, I have constantly asked myself...what am I doing?
That's why, as I'm getting ready to turn 25, and thinking about everything that 25 will bring, I'm not thinking in terms of things that I have to accomplish. I'm thinking in terms of living the life that I know I am capable of living. I'm going to do the things I love, and I'm going to be around people that I want to be around. I'm going to try new things, and get rid of things that are old and negative. I'm going to work towards my dreams, but I'm not going to hate myself if I fail. I'm going to embrace living, instead of chasing all of the things that I think will make me feel alive.
So, what am I doing?
I still don't know, but that question is about to take on an entirely new meaning.