If you know me well, or even if you have just been reading my blog from the beginning, you have probably noticed something about me over the past year or so...
I haven't been myself.
Or, I guess you could say I have been a much worse version of myself. An anxious heart, several unwelcomed circumstances, and a whole lot of negativity towards myself has turned me into a person that I don't even know. This new Miranda is not someone that I care too much for, but at the same time I have no desire to search too hard for the old one. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and try to figure out where my joy, where my motivation, where my happiness is hiding...but it has been a mystery that has went unsolved for months now.
This past week, I was at one of my lowest points. I did nothing but drag myself to work everyday, and then drag myself back home to crawl into bed and go to sleep by 8:30 PM. I feel like I have no control over myself or the way I feel. I have all of these thoughts of things that I deeply want to do...Miranda, you need to blog today. Miranda, sit down and work on your novel when you get home. Miranda, go out and interact with other human beings. But, I just can't find the energy to actually do them...no matter how badly I want to.
Friday after work, I drove across town to sit down with someone who I view as a "mentor" in every sense of the word, and have a chat about my life. I'm never one to willingly sit down and talk about everything I'm feeling, because I hate feeling like I'm complaining, and I also have a major fear of getting on someone's nerves. However, this chat was just what I needed. I talked to him about a lot of things that I have been holding in, but unable to actually admit to anyone...or even to myself. Throughout the conversation, he kept making me realize that the reason for my depression really boils down to one thing. And that thing is...
I'm not a fan of myself...at all.
I have went through my entire life to this point telling myself that I am "mediocre at best." I beat myself down without even realizing it. I compare myself to everyone else, and in these comparisons, I always end up at the bottom of the heap. Miranda, you are always going to be one of the least attractive women in the room. Sure Miranda, your goals are great...but do you really think you deserve what you want? Miranda, no one is ever going to look at you the way that he looks at her. Miranda, you aren't good enough for that. Miranda...why do you say such ridiculous things? Miranda...no one cares about your opinion.
We have all heard the phrases about "loving yourself more than anyone else," and "loving yourself before you can expect anyone else too." I guess it's time that I really take that to heart. Because, when it comes down to it...there's only one solution to saving myself:
I have to start with fixing ME.
I really don't even know where to begin. I know that it's going to take time, and patience, and a lot more negative thoughts to get myself to a place where I think more positively. It's going to be difficult, and emotional. But...I think I'm finally at a place where I want to respect myself, and I'm beginning to believe that I deserve to respect myself. There are many out there who suffer from the same feelings, and there are many who have overcome the self-hate. I can be an overcomer too.
So, I guess I'll begin by taking myself a little less seriously and closing this post with a picture that shows off a quirkier side of me that is normally tucked away.