"All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all"
-Beautiful Things by Gungor
Over the past couple of days, these lyrics have been running through my head nonstop. They so accurately describe how I have been feeling lately. For, while I manage to occupy my mind and remain happy a good portion of the time, there are still so many hours that I spend asking myself...am I ever going to find my way?
My anxiety has a chokehold on my life, and despite my attempts, I can't seem to loosen its grip. Anxiety has been controlling me for as long as I can remember, and it is exhausting. Feelings of happiness and moments of being care-free are becoming rare, and even when those moments do come, they are cut short by the entrance of another round of worries. I'm having a really difficult time handling even the simplest of every day issues. I'm on edge all the time, and the tiniest problem can make my heart race to the point that I can hear it beating in my ears.
I just want to know what it feels like to be able to handle worry in a rational way. There are so many times during the day that I have to fight back panic, push away the urge to pull out my hair, and seclude myself to take deep breaths and verbally tell myself to calm down. There is a 30 pound weight of anxiety on my shoulders at all times. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way.
During the past few months, I have been in this mindset that change is the only way to alter the way that I'm feeling about life; the only way that I'm finally going to feel like I am accomplished enough. What I didn't think about though, is how the failure to accomplish change would make me feel. The majority of my attempts to make changes have fell through, and with each failed attempt, I get beat deeper and deeper into my anxiety-filled hole. Depression is the only way that I know how to handle negativity, and saying that makes me angry with myself, because I have always believed that my faith is stronger than that.
And you know what? My faith really is stronger than that. Because, despite everything I just said, I do believe that all that is lost will be found...just like it says in those lyrics up there. I have no doubt about it.