A New Place to Be Alone

Every now and then, a thought will pop into my head that automatically leads to another thought. And then another. And then another. As a writer, I love these moments. I always find myself repeating the sentences as I rush to turn my computer on and place them into a text box. 

The majority of the time, this happens as a result of me being depressed, or upset, or anxious. Therefore, what is created tends to be a bit on the darker side. However, it is important to be versatile, and honest...so, in my book, it's okay to get a bit dark sometimes. Plus, it's nice to see the thoughts on "paper." 

Anyway, enough rambling. I'll just share the piece now. 

A New Place to Be Alone

The night sets in, and it happens again
That feeling of being alone
It seeps into the room, through the tiniest cracks
Entering underneath the door, through the windows
It's invisible, but I swear I can see it
It feels the space around me
Reaching into the tiniest of corners
It's suffocating

I'm tired of being alone here, in this place
I am too familiar with every pit
With every downfall
Failure here is no longer a surprise 
It's an expectation 
And happiness is no longer an option

I need a new place to be alone
Somewhere far, somewhere foreign
Where the blank faces aren't recognizable 
And the old pain can be replaced with new
I know that even the new place will quickly become old
But at least, if only for a moment
I will be somewhere other than here


2014: An Awkward Goodbye

2014 was a doozy of a year. 

Honestly, I've been debating even writing a reflection on it. It was, in many ways, the worst year of my life. And I don't mean that in a dramatic way. I mean it in an honest way. 

However, as I'm sitting here at my desk, eating Trader Joe's Cookie Butter straight out of the jar (with a fork for some reason), and with Maggie (my roommate Amber's dog, who I don't believe I have introduced here on the blog) curled up in my lap, I'm at peace and able to look past all of the crap that happened this year...and just be happy that I had all of the experiences that I did, both good and bad. (Holy run-on sentence.)

I think I will officially deem 2014 as the year that adulthood exploded on me. I mean, I've been and adult for a while now, but even at 25-years-old, it isn't any easier. I feel like most people who examine my life probably think that I pretty much have things figured out. But, let me just nip that assumption in the bud and tell you that I certainly, certainly do not. The majority of the time, I'm an emotional hot mess. Yet, I"m slowly learning that being a mess isn't always a bad thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a normal thing. 

With that being said, here are a few things that I learned in 2014:

*Doing things that you told yourself you would never do is actually much easier to take part in than you would expect. 

*There is a chance that there will be at least one time in your life that you will fall in love with someone you can't be with. It will happen in a whirlwind, you will be the happiest you have ever been, and then it will all come crashing down. And the hurt that results is something you just can't explain. 

*The heartbreak mentioned in the previous bullet is something that will stick around for a while...perhaps forever, and it will give you skewed expectations of love. Fight against these skewed thoughts with everything you have, because they will steal your hope in a heartbeat. 

*Depression is not a joke, and getting help is not a sign of weakness...it's a sign of strength. Try to love yourself enough to realize this, because what you may think is just a period of sadness can quickly turn into an entire year of self-loathing and a hatred towards life. That's an entire year that you cannot get back. 

I know those all seem like very unhappy things, but reflecting is all about lessons learned, right? Still, I will end this post on a positive note by leaving you with a picture of ringing in 2015 with some pretty cool friends. Happy New Year to you all!

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